More intro to me,,, my mind’s secrets revealed

Ok, so my fucking nonstop mind keeps spinning round & round, & I have NO ability to fling myself off this continuous cyclic God forsaken merry-go-round (reminds me of spinning fast as fast can go, holding onto a playground pole at recess ~ wanting to let go of this dizzying intense blurry buzz ~ but unable) I LOVE this euphoric feeling, but it’s too much!! My mind’s dam breaks & memories come out faster than I can process ~> very young, not being able to relate to people, not fitting in, wanting acceptance (I thought this was how everyone felt, after all I was a little kid & didn’t know anything else ~ so I didn’t tell mom or dad, after all, it’s normal?) 6 y/o, ready to kill myself ~ yes I really was ~ almost jumped out the window , my mom grabbed me. So NOW I smile, just like all is with mental illness so, people perceive us as happy,,,, what… a…mask…we…wear!!! I don’t know how to “feel” I ‘like’ what others like, act like they act, do what they do, I have no friends (I interact with people but can’t relate, because I am not a real individual.) ***NOTE* – I absolutely love & would do ANYTHING for my 25 y/o daughter & 6 y/o grandson ~ otherwise I. would. be. taking a permanent dirt nap. I’ve been married twice (last time for 20 yrs – ending early 2012 – I never truly felt love) I love my family, they have ~ NOBODY has any idea of the depth of my internal torture, they couldn’t possibly handle our understand the unrelenting pain,,, I really don’t even want them to. I have no real identity!!! So I exist ~ I do not live!!