MARCH 31 2015

THIS IN NO SHAPE OR FORM OF A SELF THROWN PITY PARTY, Nor do i want any pity, It’s just a realization. I was thinking recently & reading fellow bloggers posts. This made me think, yes LOL ~ I sometimes think, but try to do so as little as possible,,, Anyway, I’m hearing from/reading that others living with mental illness want their life back or they want to return to their lives prior to before their mental illness diagnosis.
I can’t really say that because I have no recollection of that time. I can remember back to when I was 2½ years old ~ yep, I can actually remember things from that long ago/I have a great memory. I know this is not per repeat stories from parents, as their memories are often different than my (emotional) memories.
Back to my original thoughts above. I can’t say I want my life back because even at age 2½ I suffered from SEVERE anxiety, separation anxiety, depression (at age 4½) & other symptoms of childhood bipolar (severe depression, night TERRORS, bed wetting, panic attacks, rapid talking/speech & precocious sexual actions/thoughts), HELL, I was even prescribed antidepressant & antianxiety meds (discontinued after I tried to jump out the 2nd story window), so basically I’ve never known normal.
To this day, I do not know how to be ‘normal’. I copied/copy how others around me act, I don’t have any real emotional connections (other than my Mom, daughter & grandson) but have good relationship’s with my siblings. I feel numb/inhuman. I feel like people are just being nice to me. So I really don’t want my life back, because I have no life to return to…


17 thoughts on “MARCH 31 2015

  1. Having been through a time of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts I resonate with your emotions. I definitely have not experienced this as severe as you have but please know you are not alone. Im so sorry that some people are being like this to you…Do you have people who are close to you that take an interest in your struggle? People so often underestimate the severity of this disease we face and it does nothing but serve to push us closer to extremes. When those extremes come to fruition everyone then says, “What was their problem? Why didn’t they talk about it?” Well, I think we both know why we don’t speak out too often. If you need a place of refuge feel free to search through my posts on depression. You are not alone. God bless.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You know, I never thought of my BP as…how do I say this..a life “ending” diagnosis. My old life never ended-I wouldn’t want it back anyway. Too much of too much. I don’t think my life really “began” until my diagnosis. Everything finally clicked, like the key sliding into the right lock and it finally opened. I always felt like an outsider, trying desperately to be someone I never was. I remember wanting to run away and start a new life where people would really want and love me for me. Turns out, I had to love me more. Silly to see that NOW, 9 years post-diagnosis. You’re a beautiful soul, and you have a warm yellow light shining from deep inside. It’s your home-light. You’ll get there, Lovely Lady ❤

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  3. Wow…I am so neurotic…I clicked like on this post, then started thinking…She’s struggling and I clicked like as if I enjoy her having a rough time…Which made me feel like a creep. Anyway…I hear ya and commiserate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A lot of times I click ‘like’ them end up commenting ‘unlike’ so that’s cool! I’m laughing because I’m silly & no matter what I’m going though, I joke about everything! I have a ‘sick’ sense of humor! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I know what it’s like to feel different from everyone else. I’ve dealt with major depression most of my life. But, I have also learned by trial and error what works for me. I don’t write heavily on major depression on my blog, but have written about what works for me. I try to stay positive just as you try to, even if I don’t always feel it. It helps me when I feel like I help others. I have also learned that exercise, being around others with positive and new perspectives, and having a support system helps. I hope that you’ve gathered some tools that help you cope. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading & the caring comment! I think all we can do is ‘put up our umbrella when it rains’ (try to keep positive as much as we can & seek/allow support, especially when we need it most! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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