MAY 21 2015

Weird memories, NO ~ old familiar ‘wake-mares’  recurred yesterday. (It’s been awhile since it last happened).
I am ‘weirded out’ lately, not constantly but transiently. I have, in surreal way/feeling that I’m dead (not in an emotional way, but unliving, truly not alive, just my thoughts remain). This feeling is definitely not new to me, as I’ve had chillingly eerie experiences off & on sporadically since I can first remember at age 4. Each time it happens, it still freaks me out. Yesterday happened while I was walking home (1½ miles) after walking my Jayden to school. The episode lasted about 35 – 40 minutes.
The best I can describe this experience is I feel like I’m/my mind (is trapped in millisecond) of thinking in retrospect of of my death as of my mind does not know that I cease to be (exist). It’s a haunting, freakishly-calm (if that even remotely makes any sense?) disconnect of my mind & body, of life & reality ~ cold, numb, my “head is open” I know think this is not real or happening, but I’m truly afraid of losing the ability to convince myself & talk myself back into reality. I want to tell me Pdoc (I never have), but I’m afraid either he’ll think I’m really crazy or making it up/malingering.


3 thoughts on “MAY 21 2015

  1. What you describe sounds like what happens to me during highly stressful times. My therapist says it is a form of dissociation. I hate it. To me, it feels like I’m having a nightmare while I am awake, wanting with all my might to scream and wake myself up, only I can’t wake up because I am awake already.

    If the feeling goes on long enough, I start wondering if reality is actually nothing more than a dream after all, something like the Matrix movie or the thirteenth floor.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Alaina, so it sounds like you definitely understand, my experience doesn’t feel like a nightmare though, I’m more freakishly calm (if that makes any sense) & like you, it does make me question my existence. I have bipolar ll & PTSD

      Liked by 1 person

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