AUGUST 21 2015 A prayer for my Soul,,,

I’m standing underneath a cloud so dark that,,,, that cloud wants to rain so much but can’t even cry, not even enough to mourn, can’t cry for me & I not even to mourn for me, but if by chance you hold in the rain to hear, you might hear the sky bleed just for me,,, just for me,,, if
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just for this one time, is all for me

AUGUST 20 2015 TWILIGHT

A beautiful fuzzy sensation & awareness drifting quiet vibrations gently pulling diagonally upward from the left side of my head,,,  comforting, a safe calm enveloping me. Soft skooshie pulsations tickle inside my skull. Stay for a moment, one minute, one hour? My mind tingles & a warm almost numb euphoria sweeps over me, bathes me. I am fluid, flowing, alive,,, continuous with the flutter. Dream like,,, I feel everything peaceful that ever was. I only wish I could describe this high,,, I don’t want to leave this place,,,
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AUGUST 20 2015

So, much awaited (office rescheduled from the 3rd) Pdoc appointment  yesterday. I wanted & did tell him about my (long history of, but) increased trippy feelings (almost exactly like when I did psychedelics in my teens) feeling ‘not there’, warped reality, a warm ‘melty’ feeling, soft massage’y’ sensation inside my skull, everything else intensely HILARIOUS sometimes shooting to terrifying/paranoid in a split second, etc,,,He responded surprised, ‘wow’ taken aback,,, & my continued almost constant anxiety. I told him of anxiety laced with rage & fear & intensity & anger. Rage felt when reeking of bad street drugs. Nightmare walking. Reviewed my meds Lamictal 150mg 2/day, Lithium 450mg 2/day, he tried 300mg increase 5½ weeks ago because of my symptoms, but my Lithium levels were 1.5 (therapeutic 0.6- 1.2) so that was a no go. I’ve been on a newer SNRI – Brintellix 20mg for 6+ months. Dr B said he’s been getting feed back from patients & researching that this med can cause increased anxiety, other side effects. We talked about the fact that it IS helping my depression overall, that we could decrease the dose,,, & i’m going to continue with the same cocktail but I’m gonna try to take my alprazolam 0.5mg 3 times (up to 4) daily since until now I almost always take 2 daily. Wants to see me in 4 weeks & call before if I need to. Well if I’m stuck with a bad brain/mind, at least I have a good doctor. I still wanna run away ~ from ME! OHHH NOOO!! OFFSPRING ‘GOTTA GET AWAY! (stuck in my head now)
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