AUGUST 21 2015 A prayer for my Soul,,,

I’m standing underneath a cloud so dark that,,,, that cloud wants to rain so much but can’t even cry, not even enough to mourn, can’t cry for me & I not even to mourn for me, but if by chance you hold in the rain to hear, you might hear the sky bleed just for me,,, just for me,,, if

just for this one time, is all for me


A beautiful fuzzy sensation & awareness drifting quiet vibrations gently pulling diagonally upward from the left side of my head,,,  comforting, a safe calm enveloping me. Soft skooshie pulsations tickle inside my skull. Stay for a moment, one minute, one hour? My mind tingles & a warm almost numb euphoria sweeps over me, bathes me. I am fluid, flowing, alive,,, continuous with the flutter. Dream like,,, I feel everything peaceful that ever was. I only wish I could describe this high,,, I don’t want to leave this place,,,

AUGUST 20 2015

So, much awaited (office rescheduled from the 3rd) Pdoc appointment  yesterday. I wanted & did tell him about my (long history of, but) increased trippy feelings (almost exactly like when I did psychedelics in my teens) feeling ‘not there’, warped reality, a warm ‘melty’ feeling, soft massage’y’ sensation inside my skull, everything else intensely HILARIOUS sometimes shooting to terrifying/paranoid in a split second, etc,,,He responded surprised, ‘wow’ taken aback,,, & my continued almost constant anxiety. I told him of anxiety laced with rage & fear & intensity & anger. Rage felt when reeking of bad street drugs. Nightmare walking. Reviewed my meds Lamictal 150mg 2/day, Lithium 450mg 2/day, he tried 300mg increase 5½ weeks ago because of my symptoms, but my Lithium levels were 1.5 (therapeutic 0.6- 1.2) so that was a no go. I’ve been on a newer SNRI – Brintellix 20mg for 6+ months. Dr B said he’s been getting feed back from patients & researching that this med can cause increased anxiety, other side effects. We talked about the fact that it IS helping my depression overall, that we could decrease the dose,,, & i’m going to continue with the same cocktail but I’m gonna try to take my alprazolam 0.5mg 3 times (up to 4) daily since until now I almost always take 2 daily. Wants to see me in 4 weeks & call before if I need to. Well if I’m stuck with a bad brain/mind, at least I have a good doctor. I still wanna run away ~ from ME! OHHH NOOO!! OFFSPRING ‘GOTTA GET AWAY! (stuck in my head now)