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Day 339


In a special little box highlighted in a greyish shade of blue the BNF (British National Formulary) says:

“The balance of risks and benefits for the treatment of depressive illness in individuals under 18 years is considered unfavourable for the SSRIs citalopram. escitalopram, paroxetine, sertraline, mirtazapine and venlafaxine. Clinical trials have failed to show efficacy and have shown an increase in harmful outcomes. However, it is recognized that specialists may sometimes decide to use these drugs in response to individual clinical needs; children and adolescents should be monitored carefully for suicidal behavior, self-harm and hostility, particularly at the beginning of treatment.”

This has been known for 10 years.

GlaxoSmithKlien came under heavy criticism when they were accused of ‘concealing’ important information from the public at the risk of harm to patients in the US.

In the UK, criminal action was taken against GSK and these medications were labeled as…

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Gufundme: For My 17 year Old Nephew

Take a Ride on My Mood Swing

First off…I am not trying to get this circulating again for my family. I am, however, deeply concerned about my 17 year old nephew. The temporary apartment my family acquired has one bedroom which my sister and her husband took, leaving my elderly mom and her elderly disabled roommate sleeping in the living room.

The true loser in all this is my nephew, C. It was his overloaded power strip that caused the fire. It was his room that caught all the fire damage, destroying most of everything he owned. He lost more than any of them.

Instead of being with his family, due to lack of space, he has been staying with his girlfriend. You can tell how depressed he is, how responsible he feels, and how absolutely hurtful it is that the adults took care of themselves first and left him to fend for himself, mostly. Of course…

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I’m sitting here (thinking should i even be?) writing this (yes with a pencil/paper, Blah). I’ve been contemplating pouring these fucked up thoughts that run my head & took my mind hostage long ago.
I have no real emotions *other than constant anxiety* (maybe I do have some,,, some SERIOUSLY blunted ones,,, I do love & adore my kiddos & Mom to death). Hell, we’ve all been talking, complaining about that (lack of feelings, emotions etc) recently. Is it medication induced? Probably. Do I care? Not really, I kinda like feeling very little compared to feeling so fucking out there depressed that my heart & emotions were raw.
That feeling, that feeling,,, that strangely familiar desire/drive to take my life is back. But why, I have no solid answers. Most of you know I made 3 very grave, very close suicide attempts that were perpetuated by severe intractable hopeless depression. I’ve had suicidal ideation all my life, even a serious attempt at 6 years old.
I’m currently not depressed, but depression & apathy, anhedonia are my ‘norm’. Yes hypomania/mixed raged mood affect. This feeling is actually stressing my chest, a dull tight anxiety. I’m preoccupied with being dead. I’ve got no serious plans though. I just wanna be gone, dead. I’m dead inside,,, rotting from the inside out.
I will not let my daughter be aware of my feelings, she’s lived through horrible events related to these. If I bring up such talk I see the terror in her eyes, she’s scared to death.
I haven’t discussed this with my therapist Melissa, I’ve only seen her twice,,, I do have an appointment 21st, I always feel I’m being trivial. I don’t like opening, I sound so petty to myself. Many others have it worse than me, is it really so bad? Is it all in my head? I handled my thoughts on my own this long, just deal with it. Am I real? Voices whisper in my head. At least I can laugh, I have my mask. I’m a good faker, a great deceiver.
I look at my beautiful daughter & gson & I would miss them & their love so bad. So I’m stuck, no plans for action. I’m exhausted of this existence, maybe one day,,, for now I gotta fight like a mother fucking bastard, like my life depends on it. ‘Cause yeah ~ it kinda does. OK my pissy ‘lil ass is gonna shut the hell up now. Maybe I’ll take this to Melissa. Sorry about whining, I’m taking your cuffs & shackles off, you are free to go, you’re no longer my captive audience.