SEPTEMBER 15 2015

I’m sitting here (thinking should i even be?) writing this (yes with a pencil/paper, Blah). I’ve been contemplating pouring these fucked up thoughts that run my head & took my mind hostage long ago.
I have no real emotions *other than constant anxiety* (maybe I do have some,,, some SERIOUSLY blunted ones,,, I do love & adore my kiddos & Mom to death). Hell, we’ve all been talking, complaining about that (lack of feelings, emotions etc) recently. Is it medication induced? Probably. Do I care? Not really, I kinda like feeling very little compared to feeling so fucking out there depressed that my heart & emotions were raw.
That feeling, that feeling,,, that strangely familiar desire/drive to take my life is back. But why, I have no solid answers. Most of you know I made 3 very grave, very close suicide attempts that were perpetuated by severe intractable hopeless depression. I’ve had suicidal ideation all my life, even a serious attempt at 6 years old.
I’m currently not depressed, but depression & apathy, anhedonia are my ‘norm’. Yes hypomania/mixed raged mood affect. This feeling is actually stressing my chest, a dull tight anxiety. I’m preoccupied with being dead. I’ve got no serious plans though. I just wanna be gone, dead. I’m dead inside,,, rotting from the inside out.
I will not let my daughter be aware of my feelings, she’s lived through horrible events related to these. If I bring up such talk I see the terror in her eyes, she’s scared to death.
I haven’t discussed this with my therapist Melissa, I’ve only seen her twice,,, I do have an appointment 21st, I always feel I’m being trivial. I don’t like opening, I sound so petty to myself. Many others have it worse than me, is it really so bad? Is it all in my head? I handled my thoughts on my own this long, just deal with it. Am I real? Voices whisper in my head. At least I can laugh, I have my mask. I’m a good faker, a great deceiver.
I look at my beautiful daughter & gson & I would miss them & their love so bad. So I’m stuck, no plans for action. I’m exhausted of this existence, maybe one day,,, for now I gotta fight like a mother fucking bastard, like my life depends on it. ‘Cause yeah ~ it kinda does. OK my pissy ‘lil ass is gonna shut the hell up now. Maybe I’ll take this to Melissa. Sorry about whining, I’m taking your cuffs & shackles off, you are free to go, you’re no longer my captive audience.

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9 thoughts on “SEPTEMBER 15 2015

  1. I’m so sorry you are feeling so crappy. Big hugs for you. Please hang in there and really consider opening up to your therapist about this. She can’t help you if she doesn’t know what’s wrong. ((((hugs))))

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Leslie, I’ve never really opened up, everyone’s got problems, worse ones at that,,, I feel like I’m whining, complaining, etc. Am I real? in my head? imagining it worse than it is? Am I believed? (I def do get paranoid often)

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      • The best way to figure all that out, really is to start talking about it. And yes, others have things worse, but your problems are your problems and you have to let yourself have that. If your therapist is good, you’ll know.

        Liked by 1 person

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