SEPTEMBER 15, 2016 Not sick,  just (EXHAUSTED, DRAINED,) && tired

I’m tired, tired of feeling this way, beat, exhausted,  ready to put the other foot in the ground ( maybe, not yet),

For the better part of my life 46 years. I’m mean shit I was 2 years old when I wondered why God made me live.  2 years old & wanting to die. I know what that meant: there’s no breathing, they put you deep in the dirt & you don’t ever come back, ever!  an seriously enticing , drawing thought. 

Bipolar and PB tendaces ALL. MY,. LIFE? Are you fucking kidding???? no, I’M NOT!!! {{{PLEASE -NO Pity PARTY WANTED}}} just purging  little ass & pea brain.

Suicide attempts (several almost successful.  Dammit! Since 6 years old. (Yes 6 years old I was gonna jump off my 2 story roof but my mom grabbed me. WHY?!? Multiple times later, multiple **NECKLESS SWINGS**  former’cutter’ 6 times 3½in long, down to muscle,  17 sutures on average. Cig burner times 21. All on left arm. Psyche wards don’t help. NOPE! No they don’t!

&& I’m TIRED, TIRED OF THE PHYSICAL energy. Much as I’m cleaning, pacing, sex, picking arguments, irritating as fucking  BS. Hating myself & the world that  lied  & that decived me & put me here. Weed & alcohol cleanse my FUCKED up palate. Again. Anything to not feel BUT NOT FEEL starts to make me feel a little better for awhille

I’M STILL stuck & sick times 46 GODDAMMOTHERFUKING years.

Really? Seriously? ! WTF ~ I GUESS!      *** HELP ME GET AWAY FROM ME/MYSELF ***  Of BEING here!!!

 *This is my truth & my testimment as I write it,  Dianetharp70@gmail.com   dianetharp70 

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THURSDAY MAY 12, 2016

TODAY 46 years ago I escaped captivity from my Momma’s person.  Ummm, ,, in other words ~ it’s my birthday. Hahaha, lol.  Buttt,,, seriously ~ I’m still breathing & on up side of the dirt. *My family’s cool, we rock & love each other’s dysfunctionality

ANYWAY HERE I ARE!  (ya’ll know, even though I’m not”RIGHT” & certainty not OK) *HINT: Te ~ rarded!
   I love most ya!

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SNARCASM::: MY SPECIALTY!!!
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THIS IS THE BOOM! Birthday present from me, to me. EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS (S/O to Gama, artist at Beautiful Sin Tattoos, Lancaster, PA)

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Yep, remember, you saw me here. Oh, if ya get our story right, there’s a little something in it for ya, ,,
*Otherwise I have access to duck/duct tape, a shovel & chloroform.

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See whatcha got into being my friend {did you know I’m your friend (stalker?)}

Diane {& to some ~ £0¥€ ya!}

In ~ sanity FEBRUARY 7 2016

KIDS, THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. THIS IS MY BRAIN ON FIRE BIPOLAR.
•••>>> DON’T BRAIN (HA, YEAH RIGHT!) DRUGGED!

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FEBRUARY 7 2016 BLACK Pt. 1

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JANUARY 1 2016 *****

When I was with you, you lied to me – out of (pretentious) love, you made me tell a lie to myself. You made me lie to me, the demon I really am. I am an ugly soul & for a while, I actually thought I was pretty. I played the part. Fuck, I played it so well, not only did I fool the fools ~ I played your ass solid! But I am not a beautiful nor clean soul. Boney hands, boney fingers, an ugly smile lurk within. You looked into my mirror. You sneaked when I said do not. You stole my trust, the evil I tried to shield you & MYSELF from. Now it’s awful, it’s all gotta be torn to the core. It can not be undone. Can not be made anew. Look if you can, at yourself before you say this isn’t true. The mirror’s still here just SHATTERED, my beautiful sisters are still here n I’m still hideous no matter what you say, you see ~ the mirror lies, my cold soul dies ~ all crashed down forever undone,,,

DECEMBER 20 2015

Dear Christopher Robin. Can i tell you sompin? I totally understand your delusions. Fucking Owl is paranoid, Piglet’s got separation anxiety, Roo’s got postpartum psychosis, I’m not real. You got friends (right!?). You can’t hold onto friends or keep them if you’re depressed/anxious, etc,,, Forget that shit cause I’m just fighting to WANNA stay alive! You see, i hate being here, tried lots of ways to get out, won’t be my last i ~ ooh, guarantee that! cause people only wanna be around you if you make them happy/laugh/have fun or make them forget their problems. How can I compete if I can’t do that shit for myself?? For real what the fuck do I do?? Sometimes I’m fucking Tigger raising all kinds of hell ~ and sometimes I’m Eeyore living in the flames of hell! These fuckin people have nooo motherfuckin idea do they Chris?! Well I’ll see ya in the coloring books, K? 

DECEMBER 3 2015

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO KEEP THEIR OPINIONS TO THEMSELVES,  KEEP THEIR MOUTHS CLOSED & SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

“WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER”

**Hmmm,,, soo,,, if you’re stuck in a building that’s engulfed in FIRE, & YOU get burned up *BUT DON’T DIE,,, YOU’RE COOL RIGHT?? IT DIDN’T KILL YOU!!! NO SYMPATHY  OR CONSIDERATION?  ~ EVERYTHING’S COOL RIGHT?  YOU JUST GO ON WITH LIFE LIKE NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENED??!? <strong,DIDN’T KILL YA, YOU’RE STRONGER RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER??

OOOKKKKK,,, HERE’S MY FUCKING VERSION ~~~
WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU    *** SUICIDAL  ***EXHAUSTED (MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY)  ***MAKES YOU ILL. ***MAKES YOU HATEFUL. ***MAKES YOU TERRIFIED.  ***MAKES YOU LONELY.  ***DESTROYS TRUST.  ***MAKES YOU DOUBT YOURSELF AND OR YOUR SANITY.   ***TAKES AWAY YOUR LIFE.  ***TAKES AWAY EVERYTHING. *** IT BREAKS YOU ***IT DOES KILL PART OF YOU

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   ~~~ SO YOU, YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!!

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OCTOBER 21 2015 RUSSIAN ROULETTE

I. Want. To. Feel. Or. Don’t. I??

I love the way my mind fucks me,,, oh so I try to breathe but inhale poison
The way it FEELS that I’m borne of hate
The lies that I tell myself. I. Just. Am.
I am beautiful, transient, infinity. The beginning ~ The END.
I am storming the palace, BEHIND the DOOR. SHAKING DREAMS, SHAKING THUNDERING NIGHTMARES. no QUIET in this house. YOU LIVE. I. DIE. SHHHHHHH….NO WINNERS, NO LIES

JUNE 21 2015 DADDY’S DAY,,,

Happy Daddy’s Day Daddy
I MISS YOU SO MUCH! I JUST MISS YOU!! I’M SCREAMING TO GOD, TO THE SKY!! I JUST WANT ONE OF YOUR BIG ‘SQUEEZE YA SO HARD I CAN’T BREATHE HUGS’, TO HERE YOU SAY *LAUGHING* “YOU WON’T BREAK ME, I’M MADE OF STEEL & STEEL DON’T RUST”! TO HERE YOU SAY “HEYYY,,, LITTLE ONE!!” SCOOPING ME UP WHEN I RUSHED TO YOU COMING THROUGH THE DOOR FROM WORK. Dammit Daddy I miss you! </3

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