In remembrance of one of our dear friends, of our TRIBE. Forever in our hearts.miss you Blah.May you finally find peace.
Early birthday present from me ~> to me. I’ve wanted a semi•colon for along time but didn’t want the mainstream ‘cliché’ type. This made total sense & I added the birdy to signify my freedom for finally escaping my pattern of self harm/destruction. I’m not perfect or even OK, But I’m NOT FINISHED! !!
When I was with you, you lied to me – out of (pretentious) love, you made me tell a lie to myself. You made me lie to me, the demon I really am. I am an ugly soul & for a while, I actually thought I was pretty. I played the part. Fuck, I played it so well, not only did I fool the fools ~ I played your ass solid! But I am not a beautiful nor clean soul. Boney hands, boney fingers, an ugly smile lurk within. You looked into my mirror. You sneaked when I said do not. You stole my trust, the evil I tried to shield you & MYSELF from. Now it’s awful, it’s all gotta be torn to the core. It can not be undone. Can not be made anew. Look if you can, at yourself before you say this isn’t true. The mirror’s still here just SHATTERED, my beautiful sisters are still here n I’m still hideous no matter what you say, you see ~ the mirror lies, my cold soul dies ~ all crashed down forever undone,,,
Ugh,,, why can’t I get over this? Summer was half assed good to me, seriously, even with the irritable part of my hypomanic episodes. Goofing off being (fun) stupid. Felt good! Why am I staring down this scary, paranoid, depressive pit? I remember this bad, bad place. The place that especially 2010, 2011 & 2012 lived. The feeling’s been simmering for over a month, constant anxiety & terror. I shoulda known it was coming. And now, now,,, withdrawing, empty, worthless, no interest or drive in anything. Torment. && PARANOIA?!? ~ being watched, being avoided by anyone around me, talking about me,,, yes even friends on here. I feel like I did something very bad, like I’m evil. This isn’t new for me, it’s just been awhile since I’ve felt like this,,, shit doesn’t feel right in my head again. My mind scares me, really scares me.